(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)
The Albion Pleiad strives to represent diverse voices, and now our publication is giving a voice to the voiceless: the squirrels of Albion College.
These furry friends are all around students as they go about their daily lives. They may ask where the squirrels are, but no one asks how the squirrels are.
The first squirrel who responded to our offering, consisting of a pile of cashews and peanuts, was Chester Webster, who said he is a cousin of President Wayne Webster, and even referred him for the position of president.
“I always knew he was fit for the job,” Chester Webster said. “He’s got the spirit.”
Chester Webster offered up many details of his daily life with enthusiasm as he stuffed his face full of nuts. He said that his day starts by waking up in the tree on the quad in front of the bridge.
“It’s really amazing real estate. Other squirrels would kill to have my penthouse suite,” Chester Webster said.
Chester Webster described himself as a morning squirrel because of his motivation to find where he hid all of his nuts the previous day. He gets his daily exercise in by running across the Quad to check all of his common hiding spots.
“They never are where I think they are. I always think that I was a genius to think outside of the box,” Chester Webster said.
One of Chester Webster’s favorite activities is to watch students eat their meals in Baldwin through the windows and steal what they drop as they leave. He added that he also enjoys the battle with other squirrels to fight for food.
“I’m very competitive, and everyone else knows that,” Chester Webster said. “No one messes with me.”
Sneaky Joe was the next squirrel to approach the nut pile. He described his morning routine as “neurotic.”
“I make sure each and every one of my nuts are lined up neatly, just the way I left them. If one gets out of order, my entire day is ruined,” Joe said.
Joe keeps to himself during the day, running from students and squirrels with equal terror. He said he’s unlucky in his hunt for food, always relenting to the bigger, more aggressive squirrels who bully him out of his lunch.
“Chester really hogs the good stuff, ” Joe said. “Someone needs to knock him down a peg.”
Joe was accompanied by his mother, Sleepy Josie, who fell asleep multiple times during her interview. Josie said she was proud of her son and his go-getter attitude.
“If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here right now for this nice dinner,” Sleepy Josie said as she settled in for a nap on top of the pile of nuts.
The last interviewee was Sarah Squirrelson, a direct descendant of the first squirrel to step paw on campus.
Squirrelson said she starts her day with greeting students on their way to class by darting out right in front of them and screaming greetings from the trees.
“I’m very active with students; I’m a big part of their motivation to wake up in the morning,” Squirrelson said.
Squirrelson described her efforts to maintain the beauty of the campus by making beautiful pawprints in the snow for students to admire. She said she is sad that not many students give her rewards for her hard work anymore.
“It’s tough out here being me. It’s a thankless job, but Albion College wouldn’t be Albion College without me to keep everything running smoothly,” Squirrelson said.
Squirrelson informed us that applications to become a campus squirrel are closed at the moment, answering a question frequently asked on Yik Yak.
Each of the squirrels interviewed promised that they would stay as a part of this campus as long as they live. All they are asking for is a little more love.
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