(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)
Today, the Pleiad is excited to announce its latest column: Calling on Cupid. Beginning today, this column will serve as a way for Albion students and residents alike to get advice on all things love and relationships.
This new column will be primarily managed by me, Kyla Lawrence, and all submissions will be completely anonymous.
I’ve always been told that I’m a stellar listener and an even better problem solver, so I’m this campus’s best bet.
Submissions will mostly be online through this completely legitimate and serious survey form, but I’ll also be allowing calls and letters sent via carrier pigeon. If you have to use a dove, you can – but I don’t recommend it.
Responses, if you’d like your questions to be shared with the public, will be uploaded every Monday, Wednesday and Friday per the Pleiad’s usual publication days – so be sure to keep your eyes peeled for them.
Submissions are encouraged to be detailed and well thought out before submission, as I want to be able to give the most thorough answers that I can. And don’t worry about limitations; no question is off limits.
Mostly. Don’t ask anything too personal, because I may be entitled to report you.
Today’s Submissions
In celebration of our official launch day, here is our first round of questions. I hope you’re all excited because I definitely am.
Anonymous #1: “HELP! I TOLD THIS GIRL THAT I LIKE HER, BUT NOW SHE WON’T ANSWER ANY OF MY TEXTS! WHAT DO I DO?!!”
Cupid: Well, Anonymous, I think it’s fair to say that she doesn’t seem to like you back, and it’s likely in your best interest to never contact her again. Otherwise, she might file a restraining order against you. Hope this helps!
Anonymous #2: “I really like this guy that I work with and want to get him to notice me. We work a few of the same shifts here and there, and I’m wondering, what’s the best way to get his attention?”
Cupid: I think that you should focus more on work, actually. I’ve had a work crush before, and it was absolutely awful, so get away while you still can. Thanks for sending in your question!
Anonymous #3: “I’ve always been really shy when it comes to talking to girls, and I really want to impress this girl in my class. How do I talk to her without embarrassing myself?”
Cupid: I think that the next time you’re presenting in front of the class, wear your best suit and tie. Follow this by diverting from your chosen topic, or whatever you’re presenting, and confess your feelings for her! Trust me, it might feel extremely nerve-racking and wrong at first, but that just means you’re doing all the right things. And if she gets out of the room and leaves – I’m not sure what else to tell you. Thanks for the question!
Disclaimer
Listen. If you send in your burning, fiery love question and I give you an answer, I will not be held liable for any actions you take afterward. I’m happy to help, and I love giving advice, but I’m not licensed in any way, shape or form.
So please don’t sue. Thanks!
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