(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)
Have you noticed a certain caped crusader flying over campus?
If you did, you may have spotted Ann Arbor first-year Billy Rubin, a student who, on Monday, appeared to have gained superpowers after having lunch at Baldwin.
“I thought I was just having the usual side effects of eating a meal at Baldwin, but as the day went on, I could feel myself becoming stronger,” Rubin said. “Even my vision got better. I felt like Superman.”
Along with his new powers, another side effect of his meal seemed to be hair loss. Due to his now bald head and the incident occurring from Baldwin food, students have dubbed Rubin “Baldy Boy.”
“With great power comes premature balding,” Rubin said.
In an incredible act of heroism, Rubin saved Albion College President Wayne Webster from being hit by a bus as he crossed the street on Monday..
Tinyville sophomore Blois Blane was a witness to Rubin’s life-saving act.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Blane said. “He somehow stopped an entire school bus from hitting our beloved president without anybody getting hurt.”
Blane reported that Rubin put himself between Webster and the bus before anybody noticed what was happening. He absorbed the impact of the bus, leaving Webster, himself and all the passengers of the bus unharmed.
Albion bus driver Joe King was behind the wheel when Rubin threw himself in front of the bus.
“I was worried I had seriously hurt the guy,” King said. “Luckily, when I got out to check on him, he was uninjured and making sure nobody else was hurt.”
Rubin attributes his science-defying strength to the Baldwin meal he had eaten earlier that day.
“It’s really the only explanation,” Rubin said. “I didn’t have super strength or heightened senses before I ate, but after, I did. Of course, I did lose my hair as well.”
In a continuation of his heroic acts, Baldy Boy also saved a cat from a tree on Perry Street. Houston senior Robin Banks had lost her cat, Hairball, in a tree when Rubin noticed and helped.
“It was such a tall tree,” Banks said. “I have no idea how my cat got up there, let alone how Baldy Boy was able to climb up. But he did, and I’m so happy Hairball is safe.”
Rubin is reported to have climbed a 16-foot-tall pine tree to retrieve the cat.
“Climbing up a pine tree is definitely logistically difficult,” Rubin said. “I saw a cat in trouble, and I felt like I had an innate sense of what to do; it was second nature.”
It is not known if Rubin will continue his journey of heroism or if his stomach issues, another side effect of his Baldwin meal, will put an end to this quest.
“Sorry, can we end this interview early?” Rubin said. “I really don’t feel good.”
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