As Valentine’s Day swiftly approaches, some may be wishing they’d made plans sooner – perhaps dealing with a disappointed significant other or calling restaurants trying to make a last-minute reservation. As for me, I’ve had my Valentine’s Day plans locked in for a month and a half – a necessity when you’re in a long-distance relationship.
“Long distance,” for me, is 55 miles – which I know is on the lower end of the spectrum. Still, it’s a different experience than my peers who live in the same town and go to the same college as their significant other. It’s also an experience I was very apprehensive about when I graduated high school, and my boyfriend of one year and I were off to colleges on separate sides of the state.
Now, three and a half years later and still going steady with my high school sweetheart, it would seem we navigated it pretty well. I know that long-distance or semi-long-distance relationships are something many college students are involved in. On this Valentine’s Day Eve, I’m sharing my wisdom, with the hopes that it will help at least one young couple in the noble pursuit of a long-distance college relationship.
Make Time for Each Other
When you’re long distance, you should be intentional about making time for your partner. My boyfriend and I try to see each other at least every other weekend; we’re very fortunate that we live close enough for that to be possible.
It’s important to schedule these visits ahead of time; the school year gets busy fast, and making plans last-minute isn’t sustainable. We look at our calendars before the start of the semester, determining weekends we’ll see each other and who will drive to see whom. I recommend dividing the labor of traveling as evenly as possible.
Sometimes, a weekend visit with my boyfriend looks like three hours of us doing homework together and then saying goodbye. It’s probably not what we’d prefer to be doing with our time together, but when things get really busy, it’s the most realistic option. It’s better than doing homework separately and missing each other.
Making time for each other also includes texting and calling. My boyfriend and I always text each other “good morning” and “good night,” with “how are you?” sprinkled throughout the day. Even when we’re super busy, we still make time to text each other. We usually call once a week, or twice if it’s a weekend we’re not seeing each other. Other couples call more often than that; to each their own. The most important things are intention and consistency.
Maintain Communication, Trust
Communication is crucial in any relationship, but when you’re not physically together, it can be challenging to find the best opportunity to have an important conversation. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel right to say something over text or the phone, but not saying it means keeping it in for longer, which can cause anxiety and potentially resentment. I don’t have a clean-cut solution for this, and it’s incredibly dependent on context.
What I will say is, avoid having serious or important conversations over text whenever possible. Not being able to see the other person’s face or hear their voice not only opens the door for misunderstandings, but it severs any sense of connection or closeness in the moment. If a conversation can’t wait until the next time you see each other in person, schedule a phone call.
Prior to these conversations, I recommend being clear that you have something you want to talk about. Of course, you would rather not worry your partner, but they also deserve not to feel ambushed by a serious talk.
The same goes for a conversation that can wait until you see each other – let your partner know there’s something you want to bring up ahead of time, and then get it out of the way promptly so you can enjoy the rest of your time together. Remember, being clear and honest in a timely and consistent manner is one of the best things you can do to strengthen your relationship.
Additionally, there is a comfortable, healthy space between knowing and not knowing what your partner is up to. My partner and I have each other’s locations and Google Calendars – but that does not mean we’re constantly monitoring where the other is and what they’re doing: That’s unhealthy. Still, it can be nice to know when your partner has class or when they’re at the gym so that you know not to expect to hear from them during that timeframe. Also, having some insight into each other’s lives can help you feel closer to each other.
That being said, you have to be okay with waiting a few hours for a response. It’s nice to text if you’re going to lock in and do homework for several hours, or if you’re going out with friends, etc. – but it shouldn’t be a big deal if you don’t do that. Again, you’re your own people doing your own things.
Manage the Missing
It’s as hard as it is obvious – when you’re in a long-distance relationship, you miss your partner. A lot. In between the weekend visits and scheduled phone calls is a lot of time without your other half – but there are ways to make it more bearable.
As I’m writing this, I’m wearing one of my boyfriend’s college sweatshirts that he lent me one of the last times we saw each other. We almost always each have one of the other’s flannels or sweaters. Having something of my boyfriend’s makes me feel closer to him and lends me comfort when the missing gets hard.
We also make Spotify playlists for each other, which I can’t recommend enough – it’s a way of showing your partner you’ve been thinking about them. You can add songs that remind you of your partner, new songs you think they’ll like, songs that have history in your relationship and of course, your pick of the sappiest lovey-dovey love songs out there.
Something else we’ve done in the past is write handwritten letters to each other and mail them, which is very romantic and results in little keepsakes you can hold on to and read when missing your partner. Receiving a love letter in the mail when you weren’t expecting it also makes for a nice little surprise! Me and my boyfriend are big “words people,” but if you’re not, mailing thoughtful gifts or little things you’ve made, like drawings or stickers, is similarly romantic.
Remember: The Future Is On Its Way
Lastly, look forward to the future. I have been counting down the years until my boyfriend and I graduate and move in together – and it’s now mere months away. When it feels really hard to be away from my partner, I remind myself that it won’t be this way forever. Someday, we’ll wake up together every morning and go to sleep together every night – and then all of this time apart will have been worth it.
Looking forward to the future also applies to the short term. When you plan the next time you’ll see each other in advance, it gives you something to look forward to until then. This can be a mental anchor when you’re really missing your partner.
Remember those Valentine’s Day plans I mentioned? I’ve been looking forward to those for a while. In fact, I better get going – I’ve got a bit of a drive ahead of me. But the drive – like all the other inconveniences or even hardships of a long-distance relationship – is worth being with the person I love.
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