The first time I broke up with a boy, I ghosted him before I knew the term. At 14, I was so scared of hurting his feelings that I stopped talking to him completely. With age, I’ve learned most relationships deserve more consideration, and having a breaking-up conversation is healthy. However, I’m still learning how to balance that with friendships.
This year, a number of my friendships have shifted. Part of that is natural; people change over time and grow apart. I’m beginning my post-college career, and many of my friends are still in college.
I believe in chosen family; I wouldn’t be here without mine. But how far can an appreciation for what we’ve been through together take us? Are memories enough to hold a friendship together?
Let’s say you’re ready to end a friendship. How are you supposed to do that? There’s not exactly a rulebook.
Are they owed a conversation? Do you phase them out of your life? Do you simply ghost them?
The questions come simply, but the answers are more complex.
The Context Matters
My lukewarm take is that if a friend is racist, homophobic, sexist, etc., you have immediate cause for ghosting. If you want to have a restorative conversation and tell them how to be better, I think that’s a great thing to do. But it’s also okay if you’re just not able to be their friend anymore, especially if they react to that conversation without empathy or concern for your feelings.
But most friendship breakups aren’t that extreme. Instead, they’re caused by small changes in personality and encased in nuance.
Oftentimes, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with the people you once considered your best friends. You’ve just become different people, and those breakups are the hardest to navigate.
Do You Owe Them a Conversation?
In short, no. Nobody is entitled to anything from you, anytime.
However, if the friend you’re breaking up with didn’t do anything awful to you, and keeps inviting you to hang out, then telling them you’re no longer interested in being friends will save you both a lot of time and energy.
Remember, you once loved these people, so treat them with the same dignity and respect you’d expect in return.
Now, if the friend you’re breaking up with did something you just can’t get past, I think you’re entitled to a ghosting, or what I call “phasing out,” depending on the severity of the incident.
Phasing Out a Friend
Phasing out for me looks like being civil, going to parties you’re invited to and sending happy birthday texts; however, you no longer place them in the category of best friend or chosen family.
It’s super hard to do that. Our brains get used to a routine: This is who I text during the day in a group chat, I go to movies with these friends or get brunch with this group. But, if the people you’re doing those things with no longer suit your friendship needs, you’re wasting time.
Life is short and time is precious, they’re clichés for a reason. The people you spend life with should fulfill you and bring out the very best parts of who you are. It’s okay to know and remind yourself of that.
Ignore the Noise
Nobody knows you better than you, which means no one has any idea what kind of friends you need to have in your life, except you.
Like I said earlier, you don’t owe anything to anyone, ever.
Your parents think you’re making a dumb choice? Oh well. Your friends disagree? That’s okay!
Only you know who you need or want in your life.
Prepare for Life to Look Different
Any time you make a choice to shift a friendship, whether or not you tell them it’s happening, your life is bound to change.
Other friends might gravitate toward the other person, and that’s okay. Grieving friendships, while not commonly talked about, is normal and necessary.
Grieving a Friendship
It’s said that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Naturally, the first thing you’re going to do when you break up with a friend, or even consider it – is deny.
You’ll remind yourself of the good ‘ol days and wish things could go back to the way they were. Then something else will happen, and you’ll get mad. They don’t know this, but you were giving them one last chance!
Then the bargaining comes, where you’ll tell yourself you’ll just wait a couple more weeks, until the holidays are over, then you’ll really end the friendship. When you finally do make the decision, you’ll feel an intense wave of sadness. This is common and needs to be embraced.
Losing a friend can be just as devastating as losing a partner, especially if you love the way I do: with your whole being. I promise, if you sit in that sadness, acceptance will follow.
Life is short, yet long at the same time. It is a journey among which friends will come and go.
Most of you, like me, are just at the beginning of your adult lives, and we have so many more friends to make.
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