(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)
Yes, you read that right. After year-long party problems such as fire alarms being pulled and letters stolen off of houses, the Frat Bro Council (FBC) decided to move each chapters’ headquarters to the Sassafras Nu house in order “to protect the dignity of each house.”
“Nobody likes parties getting shut down. It’s embarrassing,” said FBC president and Detroit sophomore Jack Monterey.
Fraternity brothers have mixed feelings about their move into regular residence halls.
“I’m glad I won’t be living with my brothers. I love them but I like peace and quiet a bit more,” said Dublin junior Neil Horan.
Since the frats will now be housed in residence halls, any recruitment and pledging processes will be held in the Man Cave according to the FBC. Sorority recruitment and rituals’ only change will be that they’ll be in the basements and main floors of their new houses.
This decision was authorized by Albion College President Bruce Wayne.
“Greek life needs a change, and some fresh faces in some of our main buildings is just what this college needs,” Wayne said.
This move will rename the Sassafras Nu house to the FBC Man Cave. While the sorority lodges receive some well-needed renovations, the Sorority Girl Circle (SGC) decided each sorority will take up residency in each fraternity house.
“I’m excited about this move! I’ve always wanted to live with my sisters,” said Manhattan junior Glinda Gorganzola.
According to the SGC, Koopa Troopa Delta will move in to the Two Kaleidoscope Epsilon house, Alpha Can Oregano to the Sigma Chihuahua house, Amphibian Xi Dog to the Apple Tau Orange house, Delta Giggle to the Delta Tree Doodle house and Kappa Tyrannosaurus Rex to the Dingo Skibidi Phi house.
“This used to be an institution,” Paris sixth-year Marc Muenster said. “Instead of beer flags and solo cups, the Delta Tree Doodle house will be filled with glitter backdrops and champagne flutes.”
Sororities will be allowed to throw in the basements of their new houses, where fraternities will be limited to one party per week in the Man Cave. It is safe to say parties will start to look very different on campus.
“Each fraternity will have the opportunity to host parties in the Man Cave. The decision on who hosts will be decided by spinning a bottle. Now we won’t have to worry about fire alarms getting pulled,” said Monterey.
“I can’t wait to throw parties for the girlies. Not that I don’t feel safe at regular frat parties, but we can have girls-only parties for once,” said Oz senior Elphaba Mozzarella.
Girls-only parties won’t be the only thing new to campus. There will be some new themes that the sororities are excited to host.
“I know some girls have started chatting about throwing a cooking party, it’ll be like a friends-giving type vibes,” said Gorganzola. “It totally matches the Alpha Can Oregano vibe.”
Sources from Koopa Troopa Delta and Delta Giggle say they want to throw pajama parties as well as various holiday parties.
“I actually can’t wait for some of these parties. My girlfriend in KapT-Rex told me parties will be open to everyone unless they say it’s girls only,” said Boring, Oregon, first-year Kris Bacon.
Though this move is quite a shock to campus and Greek life alike, at least it will bring some new life and perspective to campus.
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