(Part of The Plebian: April Fool’s Edition)
On Sunday, Community Living announced that this year’s room selection won’t be the same as years past. Due to the widespread success of “The Hunger Games” books and movies, Director of Community Living Briton Squirrelsby had some news to share.
“It’s the Housing Hunger Games! Dueling to the death for room selection,” Squirrelsby said. “That was a joke. Don’t quote that.”
Squirrelsby went on to discuss the reasoning for the change.
“In years past, we’ve received some complaints,” Squirrelsby said. “It seems students didn’t like being given lottery numbers or time slot selections based on… vibes.”
Midway through, the recording cut out due to a train passing by and blaring its horn 84 times, and our staffer forgot to take notes. We may never know what those antiquated rooming selection systems were based upon.
“We figured we’d try something a little more fun,” Squirrelsby said.
Newly-instituted Director of Housing Games Affairs Effie Gobritz said she thinks the change will be a “welcome way to shake things up.”
“Who wants to follow some old procedure that makes no sense,” Gobritz said. “When we could implement a brand new one? We’re going to stand at the top steps of Kresge and draw names from a bowl.”
Housing Games staff will draw names for all residential buildings, including apartments, Gobritz said. She added that students from any grade could now live in apartments with the new housing process, as older students are able to volunteer as tribute for higher-desired locations like the Best Apartments.
“Once names are drawn, students will duel wrestling-style, and the wrestling coaches will be referees,” Gobritz said. “Whoever is pinned loses the opportunity to live in that room and their names go back in the bowl.”
Gobritz said she wanted students to “duel to the death” like in “the real Hunger Games,” but it would be frowned upon by administration. She said students who cannot participate in wrestling due to legitimate reasons – which she did not divulge – will be automatically assigned to rooms in Mid Hall or Inferior Hall.
When asked if the Housing Games staff would communicate to students how the new process will work or how long it will take, Gobritz declined to comment. Squirrelsby said he was “not sure why you need to know that,” adding that the question was “a bit invasive and irrelevant.”
Campus Reacts
In “The Hunger Games,” district members could sign up for additional food, or tesserae, in exchange for an increased likelihood of being selected for the games. Gobritz said Albion students will be able to sign up for additional meal swipes “for free,” but that their names would be “intentionally pushed to the bottom of the bowl.”
Bread, Bakersville, junior Gale Briton said he “added ten swipes a week” since he’s “just a hungry guy.” He added that his name being at the bottom was “kind of nice” since he was hoping his sacrifice would impress his crush.
“I guess I’m just, like, trying to help out my girl so she isn’t chosen for Wesley” Briton said, adding that he “doesn’t have time to talk to some reporter” because he’s “trying to get to the KC before the Qdoba line is 10 miles long.”
Michigan Snow, professor of climatology, said they aren’t sure the change is “for the best.”
“I’ve heard room selection has been really bad for the past few years,” Snow said. “I don’t see how implementing a violent, randomized battle is going to help the matter.”
Some students are “excited” about the changes and their relation to pop culture. Panem, Placeville, first-year Suzanne Sorority said she “volunteers as tribute” to live in Wesley, not wanting to subject “another poor first-year student” to the “horrors” she endured.
“I’ve always wanted to say that! I feel like Katniss,” Sorority said. “But, Wesley’s not all bad. Once you get used to the overwhelming smell of (REDACTED) and the poop all over the bathroom floors, it’s actually kind of tolerable.”
President Comments; Gobritz Gives Advice
President Haybrit Britonnathy said he was “not at all involved” with the switch.
“I just let the housing staff do their thing,” Britonnathy said. “Doing it this way might teach the students that in the real world, not everything is fair.”
Gobritz said she had some advice for students who were anxious about the procedure, adding that “there’s only one thing left to say” regarding the housing process this year:
“Students, may the odds be ever in your favor.”
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