Dear Mr. Punxsutawney Phil,
I hope this letter finds you well, as I am not.
I am writing in regard to your shadow-stricken decision on Feb. 2 for six more weeks of winter. I just have one question for you: why must winter drag on like an overplayed pop song?
As I write this, my fingers are practically frozen, struggling to type because my dorm’s heater is working about as well as your weather predictions. I’m starting to think you have some kind of deal with the gloves and scarves industry, because it’s starting to feel personal at this point. I’ve gone through your records; you’ve only predicted an early spring seven times since 2000. How about starting next year we get those numbers up!
Look, I get it. You’re just trying to do your job – I hear you, brother. But, have you ever stopped to consider how we, the sun-deprived, frostbitten people of this climate-changing world, might feel about your little shadow sighting?
I have classes, Phil – can I call you Phil? It’s hard to read about the Crusades when I can’t feel my toes. And don’t even get me started on slipping on ice every morning like I’m auditioning for “Dancing with the Stars: ER Edition.”
Honestly, I can’t help but notice how unfair this whole situation is. You get to sleep through the worst parts of winter in your cozy little groundhog burrow while the rest of us out here are scraping ice off our windshields. It’s not fun, Phil.
Winter itself isn’t even consistent. One day I’m bundled up like an Arctic explorer, and the next day some guy is wearing shorts like it’s nothing. I’m tired, Phil – I just want some stability.
With all that being said, I think you deserve a break. I think it’s time we rethink this whole “groundhog as a weather predictor” thing. Maybe switch to a creature that actually wants to be outside in February. Like a dog, perhaps? Or a college student that hasn’t felt the warmth of the sun since, I don’t know when?
Let’s be real, Phil. Do you even have the qualifications to predict weather like this? Are you even sure you know what a shadow is? What if you’re just out here guessing?
If you take anything away from this letter, let it be this: Next year, just give the people what they want. Just don’t look at the shadow, Phil; I know you can do it, in your little groundhog heart of hearts.
If you do me this one solid, I will find the finest groundhog treats money can buy and deliver them personally. Organic, non-GMO, straight-from-the-Earth produce just for you. Think about it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this… somehow. Next year, I hope you can be the hero that this country deserves.
P.S. If you don’t come through, I might just start the “beavers for weather forecasting” movement.
P.P.S. If this letter makes it to your burrow, please send me a sign. I would accept a sunny day with no snow as a personal apology.
Sincerely,
A very cold college student
Your lighthearted comments are perfect for brightening these cold winter days. They bring a much-needed touch of warmth and humor when everything else feels gray and dreary.
Shawn/ Shay. Like you I dislike this cold weather and so looking forward to spring. Good artical Shay, enjoyed reading it. If it does any good I’ll split the cost of those treats to Phil Love you